こいつ天才
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
wow he looks just like him
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.