If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 馃憤
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn鈥檛 do with aerosol cheese
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Of course my summer body is ready, it鈥檚 the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we鈥檙e good
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My friend says I鈥檓 self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.