What even happened today?
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I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Room with a view.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.