The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
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Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
😂😂😂
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Me when my alarm goes off
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.