“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
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The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.