TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
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*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.