I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Happy thanksgiving!
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.