Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it