Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Every time.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.