[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
ugh not again
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.