figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
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Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
want me to check your oil?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Investing in beetcoin
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Meow
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right