I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
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This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Lube but for my dry humor.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.