(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.