me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”