“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
You Might Also Like
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
the only organized thing in my life is crime
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.