Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
my nickname in college
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
🙂🐾
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.