[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Just why bro?!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.