My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
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My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
👾👾👾
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.