How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
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milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer