Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
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I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids