My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
“i am a sweet baby”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.