I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
You Might Also Like
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?