Weighing up my bread heating options
You Might Also Like
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
best first i’ve ever seen
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.