(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.