Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Lmao 🤣
Does your wife know you’re single?
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
girls literally only want one thing..
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.