My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
i think we should see other cousins
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.