The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
very niche meme I made
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
it was love at first sight
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.