[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
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I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
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My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
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Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
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Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
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