the way this pissed me off… 😭
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True
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
LA today:
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
The pointless tidy up before a play date.