ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
no regrets
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation