Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
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I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.