Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
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A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric