2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
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