Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.