I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
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Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Meanwhile in Canada…
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning