So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
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Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal