Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
#winning
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.