Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
You Might Also Like
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
love it when they get my name right
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.