No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!