BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE