you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
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The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I put the h in mysterious.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.