How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.