Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
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[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again