Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Doctors texting each other.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
jesus, what did this guy do
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Do not levitate over flowers
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )