My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
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4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
my friends when i can’t do basic math
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Breaking news:
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”