[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
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Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math