BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.