I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Damn he played himself
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
me hooking up with my ex
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
lmao
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.