10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!