The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
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“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.